Thoughts from 2007 for 2008

This is a belated post, conceived of back in November, but my life has been a little topsy-turvy - I spent 6 weeks nannying for friends of mine and spending time with an infant was just what I needed to bring my life back into perspective. At least I like to think so...

November 2007: I'm going to continue talking about the Bird Women (Goddesses) because it just won't let go of my thoughts - a pretty powerful feeling, really. At the beginning of November, I participated in Siren Nation, a women's festival in Portland, OR. The festival lasted three days and included musical performances, seminars and an art & craft marketplace. My bird woman art and collages had their debut at the marketplace. And even though I arrived an hour early because I was clueless that it was daylight savings, I had a great time, met some wonderful women and sold 3 collages in addition to some bookmarks - I also gave away 10 handmade bird woman coloring books. My bird women can be found at Infinity Arts Gallery.

Also, here is an interesting little tidbit. My 7 year old son is very into books on tape/cd right now. It's borderline obsessive, really, but anyway... Recently, he listened to a book called Sacajawea and she is referred to on the cover as Bird Woman. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I know I've heard this before, but I don't remember why she was called this. So, now I guess I have more research to do!

I also wanted to write about, Sacred Pleasure, by Riane Eisler. I've been reading it on and off for months, trying to absorb as much of it as I can. Sacred Pleasure is really a continuation of Dr. Eisler's, The Chalice and The Blade. It is an in-depth analysis of historical gender relations in intimate relationships and sexuality. It is, in fact, a major part of what Gylany Now is all about. But, it isn't just about the oppression and suppression of women and the damage that has been done to women. Dr. Eisler also addresses the harm inflicted on males who are forced to uphold this imbalanced, violent dominator system. This imposed dominator system has left our intimate relationships, to say the least, fractured.

In western cultures, it seems, that there is a real push to regain the intimacy and partnership that was intended by nature to be the foundation of male-female bonding. But, I think the reality is that we have so many patterns to unlearn and so much reconstructing to do that even though we can see the problems clearly, it isn't really clear how to deal with them.

I have given much thought to this and one thing I come back to is the importance of the simple skill of identifying and communicating one's own feelings. Obviously, it helps also to live in a "free" society and since the U.S. is the only society I have first-hand knowledge of, you can assume that's the context I'm working from. Of course, if you live in a society in which women have restricted personal freedom, then learning to identify and communicate feelings isn't the first step towards creating a more egalitarian society or towards improving intimate relationships.

But, to return to my point, I have noticed that my young son and myself in particular refer to and react to a whole range of emotions - uncomfortable, unhappy ones - as anger.

It seems that our range for identifying emotions is extremely narrow. And, most often when I identify my strong negative emotions as anger, I'm not even certain why I'm angry. This leads me to the belief that I am misidentifying some negative emotions - most likely feelings of fear and worry - as anger.

There is a long history of buried emotions in both women and men. Particularly, I think women tend to bury their negative emotions, while men tend to bury their positive feelings. As a child, I remember asking my mother what was wrong when she appeared sad, angry or upset. The common answer I got was, "nothing". So, not to place blame, but just for purposes of identifying my own shortcomings, this dialogue is my foundation for identifying and sharing my feelings: "What's wrong?" "Nothing."

Specifically, I am likely to bury my negative emotions for a while and then one day - PMS is a common trigger - they explode all over the place. I think there is a term for this, but I can't think of what it is right now.

One common pattern of communicating from the men in my family is teasing. For lack of a more positive way of relating, the men by and large use teasing as their only means of connecting with or relating to family members. Again, this is a way of attempting to show positive feelings by communicating negatively. It doesn't get much more twisted than this.

These are my observations so far toward the goal of deciphering the code of unhealthy relationship patterns. For, as Dr. Eisler correctly points out, until we restore our ways of interacting in our intimate relationships, there isn't much of a chance of learning nonviolent conflict resolution on a planetary scale.

Ba-Ba-Bad Blogger!

This blogging thing is relatively new to me, so forgive my 20/20 hindsight - I realize now that I should have gotten the word out about this event in advance. Live and learn... Last Friday night (almost a week ago now) I went to see my hero, Riane Eisler, speak at the First Unitarian Church in downtown Portland. She was the keynote speaker for a local group beginning to try and find ways of implementing "a caring economy", which is a concept that comes directly from Riane Eisler's book, "The Real Wealth of Nations". Unfortunately, I can't talk much about "Real Wealth" because I haven't yet read it - my library (if you don't already know, I'm a library addict) doesn't own a single copy yet :-( . But, I will try to put the concept in a nutshell (forgive me if I butcher it unrecognizably). "The Real Wealth of Nations" is based on the idea that we should be, like some of the Scandinavian countries are already, counting into our GNP, the work of caregiving - including childcare, teaching, childrearing and elder care. We should be including the very important work of, excuse the term, housewives, without whom no other work could get done. She sights the disparity between what a plumber makes per hour compared to what a childcare worker or public school teacher earn. Not to mention that childcare workers, by and large, do not need any certification compared to the kinds of licensing we require for other professions. I can't wait to read it all and digest it and discuss it in the future, but for now, I suggest to you: If you can, go out and buy it and buy copies for your local library, too (and, mine, if you can)!!
This was the first time I had seen Riane in person and heard her speak (aside from videos). For me, it was like going to see the Beatles or Gandhi and it really didn't matter what she was going to talk about...I became a 5-year-old sponge again, soaking up her energy, eloquence and grace. After the talk, a few friends and I stayed in the chapel discussing a myriad of things, and finally made it to the reception room a half hour later. I was not entirely sure that I had the guts to talk to Riane, even though I knew she would be available for book signing. But, in my bag, I had tucked away a print of one of my collages (from my Bird Women series based on the work of Marija Gimbutas, who I learned about from reading "The Chalice and The Blade") and a letter that I had begun writing to Dr. Eisler last May. I was surprised to find that the line at her table was not long, so I went and stood behind the person who was speaking with her and waited my turn. When the time came, I shook her hand and, not knowing what else to say, started gushing about what a huge fan I am and how honored I was to meet her and how I've read almost everything she's ever written. She was quite gracious - used to meeting women like me, I suppose - and asked who I was. I told her I was an artist and a mother of a homeschooler and then found the opportunity to hand her my "gift". She stood up to receive it and we spoke of Marija Gimbutas and the bird goddesses for a few minutes before someone else came for her attention.
My friend and I exited at that point and I was elated that I had done the very thing I had come to do, despite much personal discomfort in doing so!!! Yeah for the introvert!
Just as a follow-up, I'll be displaying my Bird Women collages, prints, bookmarks and free coloring books at the Siren Nation Festival this Sunday, November 4 (11-4pm), at the Kennedy School in NE Portland. I can't wait to talk to people about my favorite subject!
Until next time...

Women In History-Herstory

(mosaic of Empress Theodora and her court, 547)

I've been reading the book "Herstory - Women Who Changed The World" edited by Ruth Ashby and Deborah Gore Ohrn (with an introduction by Gloria Steinem), 1995. I found the beginning chapters immensely interesting and, of course, maddening. Knowing that the suppression of women, after so many years of prehistoric egalitarian living, was orchestrated and plotted and schemed into being makes the heat rise up in my face. In short, it makes me very angry.

Then, I began reading the profiles of these "women who changed history", as they are called by the editors. I am less than 50 pages into the book and already I find I have something to say about it. While I believe that books such as this one are invaluable for bringing to light the many women who were influential in human civilization, I also take issue with some of these women and their acts of "greatness". Each woman's profile is written by a contemporary woman and over and over again I find that the author of the profile begins the profile by saying what a good leader this person was, how they were a patron of the arts and culture, etc. But, later in the profile, as is the case of Cleopatra, we find that she lobbied Marc Antony to order the death of her sister in order to ensure her continued rule. Another such example is Wu Chao, the first woman emporer in Chinese history. She began as a concubine to Emporer Kao Tsung and bore him four sons and a daughter. She strangled her infant daughter in her crib in order to blame it on the childless empress so that she could take her place - which she did. In short, what I am finding is that these notable, historic women are no better and no different than the men they are surrounded by. Ruthless, cruel, murdering, calculating are some of the adjectives that come to my mind. I would prefer to think of "Great Historic Women" as being kind, compassionate, merciful and wise. Even if these women managed to achieve great things for their countries and kingdoms, I disagree vehemently with their methods. I see no greatness in the taking of human life for the advancement of one's own position.

In sharp contrast, I also discovered Theodora of Constantinople, who was orphaned at the age of four, but managed to become Empress of the Byzantine Empire. Who did she kill to get there? Well, no one. She worked first as a dancer and actress and then as a wool spinner, where she met and fell in love with Justinian, the emperor's nephew. In order to marry Theodora, Justinian used his influence to change the current laws forbidding marriage between classes.

As empress, Theodora did much to lift the status of women. I quote: "Theodora created many important laws to protect women's rights. They included the death sentence for rape; protection of women in divorce cases; the right of women to inherit property and keep their dowry; protection from abusive husbands; the right to teach Christianity; and prohibition against the practice of selling children into slavery to pay off parental debts. Theodora also purchased the freedom of many girls who had been sold into prostitution or slavery. Women's rights and their position in society had never been so protected or respected." (S. Suzan Jane, Herstory)

Yeah, Theodora! My heroine! To me, this is true greatness.

Mary Preiser Potts

...And Sustainability For All

I am hoping to add yet a new angle to this gylany blog. It will, in the future, I hope, contain three sections: Gylany, Gylanic Child Resource, and Sustainability, where I will address issues with spreading sustainable practices to "we the people" and hopefully develop a good list of sustainable products and services that "we the people" can actually afford. To that end, I am writing this post: "...And Sustainability For All".

Happy Reading...

I've recently begun reading Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" adapted for children to my 7-year-old. He knows so many things at his tender age that I had no clue about until I was in my late teens, at least. We have lots of dinnertime conversations about how to conserve and how we can treat the planet more respectfully. My son usually begins with, "Get rid of the car! Get rid of the car!" (I don't think he's ever carried bags of groceries onto the city bus and then lugged them 1/2 a mile home, but at least he's thinking!)

I don't have many answers, but I have a lot of questions.

How can we turn things around on this planet when sustainable goods are priced out of range of the masses?

How can we back organic and healthy foods when, for example, organic cow and soy milks cost $5 a gallon?

Sure, it would be great if we all drove hybrid vehicles that got 50 miles to the gallon, but the fact remains that they are cost prohibitive for most people.

It would be wonderful if all new houses were built using sustainable materials and equipped with solar energy and efficient appliances, but with so much of our country (world) living at or below poverty, who can afford to be green?

And, how much better would it be if we all practiced good preventative health, like getting regular checkups, eating organic foods, getting regular exercise and taking high quality supplements - but with the stresses of just trying to survive and pay the bills, aren't cigarettes and alcohol just a cheaper mind-numbing means of escape? I don't mean to offend. I am an ex-smoker and regular user of small quantities of alcohol. It feels good to feel good, right?

One of my quests, as well as bringing peace to the planet and creating new stories of heroism for our children and for future generations, is to find out how "we the people" can create "sustainability for ALL" and heal our planet in the process.

I've added a link that may be a part of the answer. It is from the website: Sustainable Products Purchasers Coalition. Perhaps by buying sustainable products in larger quantities by joining coops and coalitions, we can eventually create a "sustainable" demand. I noticed while searching for affordable sustainable products that even (I cringe) Wal-Mart is attempting to get in on the act by offering some organic clothing, bed and bath options in select stores, resulting in an overwhelming positive response from consumers - ie. a quick selling out of these goods. You can read the article here. I'll add links as I find more places where consumers can become empowered by using their money to make global choices with others who share the same goals.

Cheers!

Mary Preiser Potts

The Gylany In My Life

(Dream Narrated By Three by Justin Potts)

It's Tuesday and I thought all weekend that I'd like to write a blog about the ways in which my life is gylanic - that is, oriented toward partnership. My immediate family consists of my husband, my son and our two pets. This makes things fairly simple for me :-). Of course, the gylany that I'm speaking of is the gylany that exists between my husband and I and how we share our responsibilities. I have told my mother-in-law many times that my husband is the only man on earth I would have married and thanked her for birthing him. I do it in a joking way, but I am really very serious.

In our house, many of the household duties usually considered to be women's work: cooking, cleaning and childcare are as evenly distributed as makes sense to us. We have created a lifestyle where we live, work and homeschool from our home. As such, we share the responsibility of cooking meals; we clean the house together once a week and we split each day in half to homeschool our son. This way, he gets to be with and learn from both of us and it breaks up his day. Also, we both have the opportunity of connecting with him and sharing his learning experiences. Obviously, this isn't for everyone, but it works with how our lives are structured and I think it is a benefit for him and for us!

Where housework is concerned, before we implemented the "everyone cleans" agreement, I often felt resentful that my husband had to mow the lawn maybe once or twice per month, change the oil every 3 months and do other odd or emergency "fixing" type jobs, but I had to clean the house and do the laundry every single week without fail. When we agreed to start cleaning the house together, it was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, I probably still do more cooking and childcare than he does, but he just replaced the starter in our minivan and spent most of his Saturday doing it! This is something I would never dream of doing and I'm so appreciative that he is willing and able to figure such things out. Also, I don't have to carry a hammer around with me everywhere I go in case I need to tap the starter to get the van to start!

As for cooking, it is an immense relief to me not to be responsible for every single meal, every single day of the week. I do like to prepare food, it is a good and holy thing, but the idea of it always falling to me is, like housework, resentment in the making! So, the way it works in our house is that whoever is the homeschool parent in the morning makes lunch and whoever is the homeschool parent in the afternoon makes dinner. This way, no one person has to be resonsible for two meals in a row on any given day. Now, of course, there are exceptions to this rule and we work them out gracefully, because we know that we are sharing the burden together. So, if I have to make two meals in a row, I know that it isn't a life sentence, just what's happening today!

I'd love to know how other people are going Gylanic!

In Peace,

Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #3 - Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting

I just picked up the book, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn from my local library. In July, I was invited to see him speak and wasn't able to attend, so I put the book on hold and have waited patiently for my turn to read it - 5 holds later. (You'll find that I am a huge fan of my public library and much of what I have to say will revolve around its use!)
I've barely skimmed the introduction and the first two chapters and already I am insisting that my husband and I read it together. I've wanted to do this many times with the many parenting books I've read, but never have I been so insistent (or successful, either). We did read the introduction last night, so I have hope that we'll follow it through to the end...together.
First a little bit of background.
My pregnancy was a surprise and my husband and I were not too young, but our relationship was too young. We were not seeking to become parents and so were in crisis about our pending parenthood. It isn't that I didn't want to have children, because I did, I just always imagined that things would work out differently, that I would have a career, or at the very least, be married. But, I guess I tend to be a bit of a passive-liver (it has nothing to do with processing foods, I assure you): events and people come my way and I deal with them the best I can. But, there isn't much that I seek from the external world (good books being one exception).
Well, my son is 7 years old now and my husband and I both homeschool him as we constantly struggle to make our living as artists. Some days our relationships seem just magical, but much of the time I find myself in this cycle of arguing and trying to coerce, manipulate and threaten my son into doing what I want him to do, when I want him to do it.
Granted, I grew up in a household where people didn't express their feelings very well. Both of my parents have a nasty temper and not a whole heck of a lot of patience. So, where I lack in assertiveness, I've made up for in anger. What am I angry about? Lots of things. The state of things in the world - war, suffering, injustice; my lack of financial stability and all of the things that I can't give my son because I've chosen to really be with him instead of pursuing a full-time career; the fact that I'm 33 and still haven't found what my big contribution in life is to be. Just underneath the surface, I feel angry about all of these things and although I have worked and continue to work hard to transform my anger into inner peace or at least positive thought, the anger is still there, waiting patiently for the least little frustration to set it off. Don't think I'm not taking responsibility. I know that I should have self control. But, this is something I didn't learn from my parents and I am in danger of not being able to teach it to my child, either.
I see very clearly now how vicious the cycle is. Alfie Kohn's premise seems to be that unconditional parenting requires the parent to think in terms of what they want their children to become, in the bigger picture, when deciding how to treat them now. It makes a great deal of sense. Do I want my child to do everything I tell him to do with no opinion or feelings of his own? No, I don't. And, I don't want him to be an adult who doesn't know how he feels or what he wants out of life unless someone else tells him, either. And, really, I don't think he has any problem in this area. He is exceedingly opinionated and forceful and argumentative because, I guess, I am trying to control him and he is rebelling. What scares me is that he's only seven and I fear what the teen years will be like if I don't figure out how to stop doing the things that I am doing so terribly wrong.
I know people who parent in just the way that Alfie Kohn proposes. They neither punish nor reward their children and they never have. My question is, now that I've produced this highly creative, intelligent yet angry and argumentative child, how can I help bring him, indeed bring my whole family, back to a place of mutual respect and tolerance?
Just a thought...
Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #2 - Raffi, Elora Media and Dr. Wayne Dyer

(robots, by jonah potts)

As I mentioned before, the Gylanic Child part of this blog is going to be an ongoing theme. I hope to present interesting new media for parents who are seeking alternatives to what is currently "out there", media-speaking, for children.

Raffi, as you may or may not know, is an internationally known musician and children's advocate. He is a troubadour, in the true sense of the word, singing and speaking his heart out for children, for equality, and for a better world. My favorite thing about him is his Child Honouring Covenant. If you've never read it before, you should...read raffi's child honouring covenant. I think he pretty much sums up anything more I could possibly say about what our children are and what they need from us. My local library has a substantial collection of Raffi media, including books, concerts and sing-a-longs - your library probably does as well.

The second media resource I want to touch upon is Elora Media. This website is an excellent source of gylanic child media, including books, videos, music, activity books and more. Elora Media was founded by co-creator of the independant film, What The Bleep Do We Know?!, Betsy Chasse, who while traveling around with What the Bleep?! met many parents who wanted to know where they could find this kind information in children's media! And, so her next project became immediately clear! I wish I could say that my local library carries many Elora Media books, but I've only found one children's book so far from their collection ("Where Does the Sun Go?" by Gary Craig). Anyway, if you're looking for this kind of media, definitely check out their website - they even offer the latest children's books by Dr. Wayne Dyer (positive thinking mega man!), published by the phenomenal Hay House. "Incredible You" (also at my local library, but buried 5 holds deep, just to attest to its popularity) illustrates The 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through: 1. Share the Good 2. Find What You Love 3. You are Filled with Love 4. Find a Quiet Place Inside 5. Make Today Great! 6. Change Your Thoughts to Good 7. Take Care of Yourself 8. Picture What You Want 9. Everyone Is Special, Especially You 10. Good Thoughts Give You Energy.

Indeed, these are the things that our children could be focused on - when will we get a new genre of video games, as well?

Enjoy!

Mary Preiser Potts